Hello, my old friend. A lot has happened since I last cracked open my heart and wrote some vulnerable words down for the public to read. A glimpse into this mind full of curiosity, sunny daydreams, bustling city night cravings, and the need for clarity.
I’m not going to lie, this year has beeeeen one. I would say 2020 was an emotional roller coaster that I will not be buying another ticket for, and 2021 was the self-isolating beach yoga retreat full of self-realization. The beauty of the internet and social media is knowing that I am/was not alone in this journey. I’ve been following a distant friend and talented blogger, Kelly of CourtAndKelly’s journey, as we’ve gone through very similar experiences over the past year. From leaving our cities and relationships to spending a looooooot of time with our own thoughts and feelings, there’s been some comfort in knowing that I haven’t been alone in this transition period.
I came to Laguna in November, thinking I would be here for 3 or 4 months. I would get a much-needed break from the zombie apocalypse situation that was happening in SF, spend Thanksgiving with Corey and Tia down here, go home for Christmas, squeeze in a little more sunshine and head back to reality in SF.
Let’s just say the uni had some different plans for me. About three months into a new job, my position was eliminated - which with startups, is not an uncommon position to be in (in 2019, my colleagues and I walked into work and we were all let go in one fell swoop). Oh, and this also happened just five days after my boyfriend and I had a “pause” conversation that never picked back up. My life as I had known it was completely non-existent. I was no longer able to identify with the Director role I had longed for, or the girl with the loving, charismatic partner with who she had planned on spending her life. Oh, and let’s not forget, I moved to Laguna knowing two people...in the middle of a pandemic.
Shit got real reallllll fast. But as shocked, scared, heartbroken, unsure, and disappointed as I felt - I also felt free as fuck for the first time in soooooo long. I could breathe!!! I could take back my mornings and nights, creating intentional rituals without the subconscious stressor that I was missing an important Slack message. I could try new recipes and get back to creating content for myself, and for amazing clients and brands. I could go to the beach in the middle of the day, read a book, and dream up a new life full of adventure, opportunity, and possible romance. I didn’t marinate in the feelings of loss, rather I trusted that this was all meant to happen for some (seemingly fucked up at times) reason. That’s just what I did.
For example, I jokingly said to a few friends, “this just means I have more time to go to the beach and meet a hot 45-year-old divorcee.” Yes, that sounds absurd….but it is Laguna after all. And what do you know - about a week later, I’m capturing content for a brand partnership and a tall, attractive, chill guy comes up to me and sparks up a conversation. Moments later, after connecting over various things, he asks me what I’m doing for lunch. We sit and talk about meditation, our mutual exodus from San Francisco, our spiritual journeys, and honestly, some things I can’t even remember because I basically soberly blacked out during this conversation. It was as if the universe truly dropped this human in front of me to reassure me, to let me know that life is so much more than a Director-level role or a life you had planned. It reminded me that one of the things I love most about myself is my ability to adapt and have an open mind, and my bottomless craving for new perspectives.
After this intense out-of-a-movie experience, I walked home feeling more confident than ever that it was going to be okay. I locked in a few partnerships, took dozens of interviews, turned down multiple job offers, and gave myself time. Time to heal, time to reflect, time to be intentional and manifest a life full of clarity.
This isn’t to say every day was great - there were moments of panic, lots of tears, and self-doubt. But, with those moments of fear, came countless hours of laughter, memories with new friends I will never forget, and an even stronger sense of self than I had prior. With this self-awareness, I knew I needed a change - I needed more stimulation.
While debating where I wanted to move next, knowing Laguna wasn’t a permanent solution, I struggled. Do I go to New York where so many of my close friends live and be closer to my family? Do I finally try LA - a place I always have felt called to? Do I go back to SF - a place I’ve been and experienced many highs and lows?
Ultimately, I decided on San Francisco. Do I think it’s forever? Most likely not. But what I do know is that I am in control of my experiences. Knowing that I was depressed in a 600 sqft place with dark lighting and no outdoor space, I worked hard to find a space that is double the size with high ceilings and natural light, has enough room for me to host, work from home, and has a sunny spot for those cloudy days. I remember feeling trapped often even with the convenience of Ubers/Lyfts, so I now have a car that I can hop in and drive to new places to explore. I’m making a conscious effort to try something new or go somewhere new every week in order to fully immerse myself in this city, because I know that if I don’t, then I will simply relive a pattern that clearly did not work for me or make me happy.
The point of me sharing this with you is to remind us all that while we don’t have to have all of the answers, we are in control of our own lives. Intention, awareness, and trust are practices that shape every single one of our experiences. And maybe we put everything into a situation that just doesn’t work, that’s okay. Remember that nothing is permanent.
So, here’s to the next chapter - we’ve got this baby!!!